S### Hamptons Tourists Say

S##T Hamptons Tourists Say

There is a huge thing happening on the Internet right now, where people are making videos called, “S### people say.” Among my favorites are, “S### Asian Dads Say” and “S### Sorority Girls Say.” Just this morning somebody came out with one called, “S### Long Islanders Say.”

I think that we need to come up with one called, “S### Hamptons tourists say.” The following is my script:

“Is this wine local?”

“Is this potato local?”

“Is this honey local?”

“Are these bananas local?”

“You know what I’m going to do this summer? I’m going to learn how to surf. I’m so getting into surfing lately.”

“Oh my God you know who I just saw? ALEC BALDWIN!!!”

“The waves are sick this morning bro. Had an awesome surfing session this morn bro dude.”

“You know what’s a really cool place that not a lot of people know about? Montauk.”

“You know what’s a really cool place that not a lot of people know about? Shelter Island”

“I just want to be local and do something chill tonight. You know, be with normal people, how about we check out the Surf Lodge?”

“I met the hottest Polish waitress last night at Nick and Toni’s”

“I met the hottest Russian waitress at 75 Main last night.”

“I met the hottest Brazilian nanny in Sag Harbor last night.”

“I met the hottest East Hampton local last night. No really, like she is from here, like grew up in East Hampton, bro. No dude, she speaks English.”

“I can totally tell the difference between this corn and the corn in the city.”

“You know what we should do? We should start a restaurant out here. We’d make so much money.”

“You know what we should do? We should start a nightclub out here. We’d make sooooo much money.”

“It must be so easy to live out here year-round. I’m totally thinking about moving out here year-round and becoming a farmer.”

“I can’t talk, I’m on my way to yoga.”

“I can’t talk, I’m on my way to spin class.”

“Hello? Hello? Damn reception.”

I’m in Quiiiiooooooooggggguueeee.”

“You know what we should do tonight? We should have a bonfire on the beach. You know, just chill out.”

“Charlie got a DWI? Really? But he only had like seven beers!”

“People are so nice out here.”

“I found this total dive bar, it’s a complete secret. Have you ever heard of Cyril’s?”