Hammerlock: Ideas for Trump to Defeat Pelosi During the Shutdown

Donald Trump’s partial government shutdown isn’t working. Nancy Pelosi is not surrendering. It’s sort of like watching a wrestling match where one guy has the other in a hammerlock which gets tighter and tighter but never gets to the point where the hammerlocked person taps on the canvas three times to say that he (or she) gives up.

The hammerlock just isn’t enough. There’s just so far you can bend an arm. Here are my suggestions for other things Trump should try in the coming days. I predict that if he does any of these, Nancy will come around to his way of thinking in short order.

1. Order the workmen of the Federal Highway Department to change all the orange and green traffic light bulbs to red, so when they change they are always changing to red. In short order, the whole country will have to stop on red and the traffic lines will be backed up as far as the eye can see. That ought to do it.

And if it doesn’t, try this:

2. Order all Federal Air Traffic Controllers to—on a specific day and time—order all planes in the sky not to land. There are 20,000 planes in the air over America at any one time. If there’s an average of 200 people aboard the planes, that means a total of 4 million people will be left stranded and circling around up there for weeks, or as long as it takes. Nancy Pelosi will soon come around.

And if she doesn’t, try this:

3. Order the Federal Anti-Hacking Force out on furlough for an indefinite period. Follow this with a phone call to his Russian friends letting them know the door is open to any Golden Bear Hacking Group they have. When the Russians shut down the WiFi everywhere, Nancy Pelosi’s days will be numbered. All bank accounts will be fleeced. Chaos will reign. And Nancy will make her three taps and she’s out. Guaranteed.

After this, whenever Trump wants anything done, all he has to do is give a little shake of the orange hair on his head, and everyone will march in lock step to get it done.