Hampton Subway Flagman Digs Illegal Tunnel from Home to Work

Seen on the subway this week were Alec Baldwin, Elon Musk, Rabbi Mark Schneier, Eli Shapiro, Joy Behar and Madonna.

TWINS

Alice Mayberry, a resident of Hampton Bays, gave birth to two bouncing baby girls on the Hampton Subway last Thursday. She was assisted by subway staff. The first baby, Henrietta Jean, was born between Southampton and Water Mill, and the second, Gabriella Christine, was born between East Hampton and Amagansett. Congratulations, Alice!

ROUNDING UP

All token booth personnel have been instructed when making change to round off the amount to the next highest five cents in order to provide a little gift to the straphangers. To make up for this, the rates for each fare are going up five cents next week.

CAFETERIA OPENS FOR LUNCH, NOBODY COMES

Hampton Subway opened its employee cafeteria in the Hampton Subway building in Hampton Bays to the public last week and nobody came. It had been intended as a way to raise funds for our operation and we had hired extra chefs and busboys and gotten in more food, so all in all it didn’t work out at all. At the end of the day, the meatloaf, jello molds and vegetable soup were given to Meals on Wheels.

Adding insult to injury, we were also visited by the Suffolk County Health Department and the Hampton Zoning Board inspectors who said we would need all sorts of new inspection stickers to serve to the public. Oh well. We now think we should just have a big barrel with a slot in the top at all the turnstiles where you could put in food donations? A decision will be made next week.

THE TUNNEL MAN

A longtime flagman on the Sag Harbor branch named Bill Hitchcock Miller has been found to have illegally chopped an underground tunnel from his post just to the west of the Lumber Lane Station to his basement apartment at his home on Maple Avenue in Bridgehampton. Apparently, he’s been a dedicated employee who often works overtime and who simply does not like being up in the daylight. He works all day, then walks home down this narrow tunnel he has created with a pick and shovel. Then he sleeps and comes back the other way and works another day at his flagman’s post. He’s never failed in his work. Never put out the red flag when he should have put out the green flag. He’s a member of the union and has tenure. It’s really spooky. So what are we supposed to do?

PATRIOT DAY

Please be aware that at 8 p.m. on Tuesday, September 17, all the trains will stop in all the stations for a five-minute pause to honor all those who signed the U. S. Constitution in 1787. Since all those signers have now passed on, wreaths will be placed over the cowcatcher grille on the front of all lead subway cars before they continue on.

During this event, please remove your hats.  Afterwards, hats can go back on and you can proceed with whatever it is you’re doing as the trains continue on their way.

ASPINALL ON THE ENEMIES LIST

Advancemen who tried to set up a campaign stop for Donald Trump on the Southampton platform were sent packing by Hampton Subway Police to enforce the company rule that forbids campaigning for anything on Hampton Subway property. As a result, Mr. Trump tweeted that Hampton Subway Commissioner William Aspinall will be the new first person on his enemies list on Day One when he reassumes his Presidency as Dictator, after which, with all those who opposed him taken care of, being Dictator will no longer be necessary.

PROTEST

A protest will take place on Monday morning at 9 a.m. on the Southampton platform by a group known as Save Our Subway Cars. They have received permission to protest and will be there for half an hour.

Save Our Subway Cars is a group created to prevent subway car abuse. Many cars are run around our system seven days a week 10 hours a day, with people tromping in and out on their floors and with other people hanging onto their poles. The subway cars, with neither food or water or even a paycheck, perform these services year after year without complaint, and then, when their days are done are simply removed from service and chopped up into scrap metal.

This is a disgrace.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

This is the second week in a row that we have had demonstrators on our system. Last week it was members of the Tea Party demanding that public funding be turned off and the subway run entirely by volunteers. This week there is a demonstration against Subway Car Abuse.

We are happy to allow these protests. But we have had two in two weeks now, and, although having them is an American right that I support wholeheartedly, they tend to be disruptive to people trying to use the system. Next week the Board of Hampton Subway will take up this matter and decide whether or not to limit the number of protests on the platforms to a particular number each month. Those applying to protest after that number is reached will have first dibs on having their protest the next month.