Hamptons Subway Commissioner Goes Missing

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Sarah Jessica Parker was seen on the Springs branch of the subway, apparently on her way up to visit with one of her many friends, although she would not say which.

TERRIFYING TWO DAYS

Last Tuesday and Wednesday, our Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall went missing. He had been seen last on Monday at a dinner in his honor at the home of Ralph Urban, the newly elected mayor of Westhampton Beach. But after that, nothing.

It came to the attention of staff here at the Hamptons Subway Headquarters in Hampton Bays that Mr. Aspinall was gone when he didn’t show up Tuesday morning for an awards ceremony where a silver cup was to be given to a woman who had won a contest to see who could stay on the subway system for the longest time. The contest had been held a week before, and Anna Kalitosis of Amagansett was on hand in our cafeteria at 11 a.m. to receive the cup from the commissioner but he never showed.

This is so unlike the commissioner. Nobody can remember him ever missing an event such as this. We called him at his oceanfront home on Meadow Lane in Southampton, but his wife said he had not come home the night before and she was wondering where he was too. She could never remember a time when he had not come home.

Under the circumstances, at 11:56 a.m. on Tuesday morning, a countywide search was launched, involving the state, county and town police and fire departments. He was not to be found. We feared the worst, thinking  that terrorists might have taken him hostage. On the other hand, all the police, ambulance and fire officials were under oath to not say a word to the general public about the problem, for fear that panic might ensue.

On Wednesday morning, the commissioner’s absence was noted by President Donald Trump who, sitting in the oval office, commented after being told about it, “He and I are very good friends, so I don’t know why anybody would think I had something to do with this. It’s just Democrats sputtering.”

On Thursday morning, with the U.S. Coast Guard telling us that due to cutbacks, their planes could not be funded to zigzag over the ocean after noon that day, a report came in that the whole time the commissioner had been in the one place where nobody had thought to look – on the subway.

Apparently, on Monday night, going home from the dinner honoring him in Westhampton Beach, he had come aboard a lightly populated end-of-the-train subway car heading back to Southampton and had simply fallen asleep on a seat there. Passengers recognized him, but since he was asleep and looking very calm and peaceful, they just let him be. He had remained asleep for the entire time, from Monday evening to Wednesday noon, sitting upright in that exact spot on that subway car, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands – which he later said he was bringing home from the centerpiece of the table he had been at at the dinner to give to his lovely wife – until a fireman thought enough is enough and shook him awake.

“His first words were,” this fireman, Jason P. Appleberry, said, “‘These flowers look wilted’  How observant that was, to pick up on that immediately after such a long sleep.”

Harry Markabeau, the president of the Hampton Straphangers Union, said that his organization was perturbed at the fact that the subway employees were not talking to the straphangers during the days of searches.

“If we had known,” he said, “Mr. Aspinall would have been rescued right away.   The straphangers knew where he was.   But the Hamptons Subway staff was keeping mum.”

The commissioner, after being awakened and after some initial objections, consented to being taken over to Southampton Hospital for a full body scan and checkup. He returned to our office building around 4 p.m. to a round of applause, having been found to be in excellent health. He declined to say anything for publication in the newsletter about this, except to say that he thought it might have been something he ate.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Subway Mechanic Alex “Spike” McNutley turned 33 today without missing a beat, working in our Montauk subway yards. He waved away the cake. He was under a subway car engine and said forget it.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

The only thing I remember is this nice dream I had about being on one of those longboats the natives use in Hawaii, coming through the surf toward Waikiki Beach. My wife and I were there a week ago. There was another dream, a bad dream, but I can’t remember what it was, but it was bad.

As for the presentation of the silver cup I could not hand out, I do apologize to whoever that was who was supposed to get it, and the office is trying to reschedule it, but I put a stop to it. You were on the subway for 17 hours to win that cup, I am told. I was on the subway for far longer. The cup will be given to me in the morning and I will give it to my wife who will put it on our mantelpiece over our fireplace.

It should be safe there.