Ask Beatty: Learn to Stay Optimistic During Trying Times
Just read the front page of The New York Times or listen to breaking news stories on television. It’s almost impossible not to adopt a sense of dread and pessimism about life and the world around us. The reality is that there is profound sadness and pain people are experiencing throughout the world. Wars, poverty, corruption, homelessness, deportation, unemployment, violence, massive budget cuts, coupled with an unstable economy, are all contributing factors that are making people feel vulnerable and fearful. It’s no surprise that this crisis is manifesting itself in the rising tides of depression, addiction, suicide and violence across the country. It’s easy to begin to adopt a doom and gloom attitude. But we cannot allow catastrophe to have the final word. We all must stand up as best as we can and find our inner strengths, so that we can navigate our own lives in ways that will be healthy and joyful for us and for those around us. Granted, this is no easy task.
I’ve found the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer for peace, strength and wisdom to be helpful. It reminds us to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can and the wisdom to know the difference. It’s a wonderful guideline for daily living that can help people navigate these profoundly difficult times.
The Gift of Giving
In a world that puts profits over people and the planet, it’s very easy to get so caught up in our own lives and problems, that we forget how helping others can improve our own mental and physical health, increase our sense of purpose and well-being and help us feel more connected to others. Numerous studies have found that giving to others reduces stress, improves our mood, boosts our self-esteem, eases grief and helps us to feel less alone. Giving to others is a gift to ourselves as well, as illustrated in the following case study.
Case Study
Sharon is a 68 year-old, single, never-married, patient of mine who I have been treating for several years. She has a good job, a close-knit extended family and a great support system of friends who she has had since elementary school. Her greatest wish in life was to have been married and be a mother. Unfortunately, her dream was never realized, since all of her relationships with men resembled her emotionally and physically abusive relationship that she had with her own father. When Sharon first contacted me, she was suffering from severe suicidal clinical depression. She had been prescribed a variety of medications over the years, that failed to help stabilize her. Tragically, her long-term therapy with a well-known New York City psychiatrist had been emotionally abusive and manipulative. He used and demeaned her by asking her to clean his office and do his errands. So in need of his approval, it was only when she began her therapy with me, did she come to realize how he violated her and her trust. Over the last couple of years, Sharon’s depression has lifted dramatically. The biggest and most significant change of all is that she no longer allows anyone to use or abuse her in any way. I am so proud of her! Still — the biggest void in her life, is not having her own family unit.
Making Dreams Come True
Recently, Sharon was walking around her neighborhood on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The temperature was 15 degrees. She saw a mother and three young children shivering in the cold. They were wearing light clothing — no coats or boots. Without a thought, Sharon approached them. They spoke no English. She motioned them to go with her to a nearby restaurant where she treated them to a meal. They had obviously not eaten for several days, as they devoured one course after another. After the meal, she took them to T.J. Maxx, where she outfitted all of them with coats and pants and sweaters and warm footwear. Sharon is not wealthy. She is however, one of the most nurturing, loving, compassionate and giving people who I have ever had the privilege to know and treat. When she told me about this experience during our therapy session, I naturally cautioned her to be careful; since after all, they were complete strangers. Sharon trusted her good instincts and heart and has now ‘adopted’ a family that she has always wanted. A family who she loves and who loves her. She has assured me that they ask her for nothing. This is a true, real life story that teaches us how a random act of kindness has changed and transformed both Sharon’s and the immigrant family’s life in unimaginable and unexpected ways! Sharon’s gift to the stranger was given back to her a hundredfold and more!
Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty wold love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and questions at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com
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