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Satire

Unique Summer Rental Hits the Market

By Dan Rattiner
8 minute 03/29/2025 Share
Old Hook Mill windmill
Old Hook Mill windmill in East Hampton, iStock

New to the market today. This is a stunner, just arrived, now available for a family summer rental, in the very center of downtown East Hampton. It is the most prized property at this sweet spot location, nestled as it is in the much-sought-after area that is downtown East Hampton.

Breathtaking views abound in every direction. Look out at Gardiner Windmill, Home Sweet Home Windmill, historic South End Burying Ground, where early settlers, including Lion Gardiner, the founder of East Hampton in 1639, are buried. Also in view just steps away are Mulford Farm, Home Sweet Home historic saltbox, Hedges Inn, the Maidstone Arms and the historic home of the famous 19th century artist Thomas Moran, where he and his wife Mary Nimmo spent their summers. Among other bohemian activities, they kept a Venetian gondola parked in a wooden cradle on their front lawn when not in use but ready when, with friends, the Morans had it carried to Hook Pond for a paddle.

As for beaches, you won’t need parking stickers. It’s just a short bike ride, walk or waddle to Hook Pond or Main Beach just five minutes away.

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This is a showcase property, absolutely unique, that perfectly embodies Hamptons charm, sophistication and the pure joy of waterfront living and Hamptons chic. Amazing for entertaining or just relaxing.

This remarkable property consists of one giant space bordered on every side by waterfront and a lawn, mowed to perfection by the owner’s employees as a preserve that can never be built upon, but with a further codicil allowing children and their parents to sit on blankets and launch and operate toy sailboats that scoot through the water there. Something to enjoy.

Further along, the property fronts on James Lane and across the way the residences of Main Street, perfect for an outgoing special couple who thrive on being noticed and love to live the sheltered life of East Hampton Main Street with its beautiful overarching elm trees everywhere, yet be in the middle of the town activities all within easy reach.

It is also the former home of a famous family. Between 1981 and 2009 it was the summer home of Daffy and Doris, a nationally known celebrity couple who became famous for raising a different set of half a dozen children on this property year after year between April when they arrived and October when they’d fly off to Palm Beach, with their young ones grown and on their own.

Local historian Ann Blazer, who lived on James Lane during those years, kept a diary about the love affair, habits and adventures of these two loving swans and their offspring, so revered and remembered today for the attention brought to this area.

Although movie rights to the diary were sold for a hefty sum, no film of this eager family was ever made. Perhaps, if you have friends in the business, a film could be produced with the two of you as stars.

Furthermore, if you rent this exclusive and unique location for the summer, you will have the opportunity to be remembered for your nest building and good works, and you will not need a publicist or a public relations manager. Everyone will come to you. And you might even enjoy the hilarious night when someone unintentionally drives a car into the property. The water is only 5 feet deep in most places. So nobody ever gets injured. But it’s very embarrassing, happens about every other year, and it’s another way to meet friends.

Town Pond, as this lovely property is called, occupies three acres of brackish water just perfect for the building of a giant nest of sticks and branches at either end. Input and output pipes at the southern end of it provide a constant flow of brackish water suitable for all activities all summer long, with the level of the ocean coursing through nearby Hook Pond to cause the rise and fall of the level of Town Pond a few inches twice a day, guaranteed. It has done that for centuries. Meanwhile, the northern part of the pond is decorated with cattails, reeds, phragmites, and other swamp-like foliage offering a private area for bathroom activities when nature calls.

As for the vast expanse of the rest of this pond between the pipes and the swamp, you will bathe in this brackish water entirely as your private property, reserved just for you and your guests, might they be ducks, turtles, eels, clams, snakes, fish or water bugs at your pleasure and for your enjoyment only.

As for intruders, such as people parking cars along your shoreline to get out of their cars and feed you stale breadcrumbs and other nasty things, you have your rights to your property — as you know, every man (and woman’s) home is his (or her) castle after all — and if you drive them off by loudly banging your beak on their tires and car doors, you will by contract be indemnified by the owner of the property to suffer no consequences. You have many rights as a renter.

This is a one-of-a-kind property and will not remain available long. If you would like to make it your home for the summer, you and your mate should immediately waddle to East Hampton Village Hall nearby and introduce yourselves. In spite of restrictions on properties to prevent certain unsavory types, the landlord is otherwise willing to accept all renters regardless of race, creed, politics or sexual orientation, provided there are two of you and the two of you are in love with one another. And, of course, you have to both be hundred-pound snowy white mute swans.

This special love that you bring, once accepted, will result in a warm welcome with open arms by the owner, thus having no need for a broker, a lawyer, a bank, or even a security deposit or first and last month’s rent, and that is because this summer rental is an astonishing bargain.

Last year it was rented for the five months from April to October for $700,000. This year, Mayor Jerry Larsen is offering it absolutely free of charge. No money changes hands whatsoever.  Just be ready to move into this very special property on April 1, 2025.

Your summer paradise awaits.

Save the wetlands cartoon by Dan Rattiner
Cartoon by Dan Rattiner
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